MANAGING GRIEF
Here is a short guide to the four main
stages of mourning. It was originally written for dealing with the loss of
friends or loved ones when they die but the stages of mourning apply to any
loss, including loss of health to cancer. Hopefully, people who are experiencing
difficulties can decide whether they need to see a counsellor to help them if
they are suffering abnormal grief reactions or are finding it difficult to move
on.
We all suffer loss in our lives, whether loss of a loved one, a loved pet,
our health, a way of life or anything that we held dear and which made us happy
that we then lose or believe that we have lost. It is known that there are four
main stages or tasks involved in mourning any loss: -
1. To accept
the reality of the loss
Even if we know that someone we love is going to die or leave us, it is still
difficult to come to terms with and to believe that it’s happened. Equally, it
is difficult to come to terms with the loss of our health. Stage One
is the slow realisation that it really has happened and that the person isn’t
going to come back or that our health won't ever be the same again. Many people think they see or hear loved ones and this is a
very normal part of the process of coming to terms with the reality that you’ll
never see that person again. This first task can sometimes go wrong and people
get stuck in denial or they may try to diminish the feelings by rubbishing the
importance of the person or that our health will be the same as it always was. It only becomes a real problem if the reality is
denied for years or if the person grieving doesn’t move onto the next stage.
This isn't to say that someone with cancer won't recover completely and
eventually regain full health, but it is important to accept the reality.
2. Coming to terms with the pain of grief
The pain of grief can be absolutely unbearable and people often feel that it
will never end. Very often, it’s the fear of this intensity of grief that
holds people in the first stage. However, if this stage of grieving isn’t
undertaken, the grief can leak into other behaviours or pop up when least
expected. It can manifest itself in symptoms of illness or depression. Very
often, others around the bereaved will unthinkingly try to hinder this stage
because seeing someone else’s pain can be very difficult and a lot of people
want to avoid it at all costs, so they might try to jolly the bereaved out of
their sorrow or hint that they should be getting over it by now. This could lead
to the bereaved feeling guilty or thinking that they shouldn’t be feeling what
they feel and they may start to suppress what they feel rather than be working
through it.
3. Adjusting to life without the deceased or living with the loss
Very often, the realisation that the bereaved person is having to cope on their
own if, before that, they had the support and presence of the deceased
person, creeps up gradually. Relationships often define the people within them
i.e. a wife may feel that she is only her real self as a wife or a son may feel
that he has no sense of who he is as a man when his father dies. This adjustment
has to happen but it may throw the person into feeling like a helpless
child again and that society doesn’t recognise or respect them without the
cloak of their previous role. It can be very scarey if you’ve always been
loved and protected to suddenly feel that you’re on your own and that whatever
decisions that are made in future belong to you alone. It can also be a positive
experience, of course. Equally, the person who has cancer which either can be
treated successfully or is untreatable will need to go through the painful
process of adjustment and to accept that life may never be as it was before.
4. Emotionally relocating the deceased or loss and moving forward
The final stage or task of grieving is when the deceased person or way of life
in the case of illness becomes part
of the bereaved person’s past life and is given an appropriate place within
the emotional life of the bereaved but not one where they are interfering with
the person moving on. Unless this is achieved, mourners would not feel they
could move on with their lives in case they forget the person that they have
lost. Wives or husbands
might feel they are betraying the previous spouse if they meet someone else and
children might feel that they couldn’t move on to become adults without being
guided and supported by their parent. If someone is suffering from a terminal
illness from which they will not recover, this stage is seen as acceptance and
coming to terms with what is to happen. Saying goodbye to loved ones, doing
something that the person has always wanted to achieve before they die and
making sure that they have left everything as they want it is important and some
people even like to choose the flowers and hymns that they would like to have at
their funeral. Mothers and fathers often leave a scrapbook and photo album
leaving precious photographs and telling their children about themselves or
things they feel it's important to tell them. Some even leave letters to be
opened when the children are older - all is part of the emotional adjustment to
dying and not being there for their children as they would have wanted to be.
It's important for the person who is dying as well as for the people who are left.
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